Why? The simple answer to the question reacting to the statement above is because I have too much to think about regarding my life. So I'm drinking about it and writing about it, consequently.
I'm 22 years old. I live in Chicago, the greatest city in the world. I'm single. Open to options from either side. Willing to try new things. Some people say I'm nice. So why am I spending my Saturday night sitting in the dark and drinking? Truth be told I have no real friends here that would want to hang out with me. Say it now, "poor Patsy. She has no friends so she's throwing a drunken pity party for herself." And in a way, I am. I live on the south side of Chicago, not near close enough to public transportation to go anywhere cheaply, and if I do drive, its not exactly as if I can have a drunkenly good time because I eventually have to get back home, alive. And nobody wants to come to me "because its so far away." sorry, kids, it takes the same amount of time to get up north to you that it would to get down here. I'm tired of excuses. Excuses make your friends lonely. Lonely is real and it sucks. So I think about all the places that I could improve but the only things I can come up with are excuses for myself and that makes me hate me even more, so the cycle perpetuates. Something is wrong. very wrong, and I need to figure out how to fix it.
My exes aren't speaking to me, for reasons I'm aware of. We're all scared of each other. I'm afraid of getting too close to one because I know that she's really not for me anymore because she's trying to be someone she used to be. The other is afraid of me because I could have been someone she's been looking for and finally found, so what next? I'm afraid of her because she was the next person who I fell for and I knew I was going to get hurt. Because of them, I'm afraid of trying something new with someone else who I actually like, because she isn't either one of the exes. I'm having to try her out cold and get used to her. I might just need her as a friend.
The only social life I have to speak of is when I'm working on a show because then I'm at least spending time away from my apartment with other people. For a brief period of time, I have some semblance of a social life and I'm happy. Logically, it can be concluded that I'm only happy working on a show; this is not untrue. It's very very poignant. When the show is over everyone leaves the fog of togetherness, and it all ends and the world comes crumbling down.
So the next logical step is to keep doing theatre. Well that sounds all well and good doesn't it when you have shows lined up that magically work with your amazingly free schedule! Sorry, kid. My schedule fluxuates too much to have another show. So I feel like I'm stuck in this cyclical hellhole of feeling sorry for myself for not being happy but I won't be happy til I do another show but I can't do another show until I'm out of this job next year. So what the FUCK am I supposed to do now?
How am I supposed to break this endless chain/cycle of feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I don't have a way out? I lost the people I felt like I could really talk to because even my immediate family has no time for me. It't nice to know that the people you're supposed to be able to count on have abandoned you. Yeah, I'm the one that moved away, but its hard talking to my own family about things in my life.
