Why? The simple answer to the question reacting to the statement above is because I have too much to think about regarding my life. So I'm drinking about it and writing about it, consequently.
I'm 22 years old. I live in Chicago, the greatest city in the world. I'm single. Open to options from either side. Willing to try new things. Some people say I'm nice. So why am I spending my Saturday night sitting in the dark and drinking? Truth be told I have no real friends here that would want to hang out with me. Say it now, "poor Patsy. She has no friends so she's throwing a drunken pity party for herself." And in a way, I am. I live on the south side of Chicago, not near close enough to public transportation to go anywhere cheaply, and if I do drive, its not exactly as if I can have a drunkenly good time because I eventually have to get back home, alive. And nobody wants to come to me "because its so far away." sorry, kids, it takes the same amount of time to get up north to you that it would to get down here. I'm tired of excuses. Excuses make your friends lonely. Lonely is real and it sucks. So I think about all the places that I could improve but the only things I can come up with are excuses for myself and that makes me hate me even more, so the cycle perpetuates. Something is wrong. very wrong, and I need to figure out how to fix it.
My exes aren't speaking to me, for reasons I'm aware of. We're all scared of each other. I'm afraid of getting too close to one because I know that she's really not for me anymore because she's trying to be someone she used to be. The other is afraid of me because I could have been someone she's been looking for and finally found, so what next? I'm afraid of her because she was the next person who I fell for and I knew I was going to get hurt. Because of them, I'm afraid of trying something new with someone else who I actually like, because she isn't either one of the exes. I'm having to try her out cold and get used to her. I might just need her as a friend.
The only social life I have to speak of is when I'm working on a show because then I'm at least spending time away from my apartment with other people. For a brief period of time, I have some semblance of a social life and I'm happy. Logically, it can be concluded that I'm only happy working on a show; this is not untrue. It's very very poignant. When the show is over everyone leaves the fog of togetherness, and it all ends and the world comes crumbling down.
So the next logical step is to keep doing theatre. Well that sounds all well and good doesn't it when you have shows lined up that magically work with your amazingly free schedule! Sorry, kid. My schedule fluxuates too much to have another show. So I feel like I'm stuck in this cyclical hellhole of feeling sorry for myself for not being happy but I won't be happy til I do another show but I can't do another show until I'm out of this job next year. So what the FUCK am I supposed to do now?
How am I supposed to break this endless chain/cycle of feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I don't have a way out? I lost the people I felt like I could really talk to because even my immediate family has no time for me. It't nice to know that the people you're supposed to be able to count on have abandoned you. Yeah, I'm the one that moved away, but its hard talking to my own family about things in my life.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
I think I am about to write...
I am thinking
I am not writing
I need to be writing what I am thinking
I should be inspired
I am not inspired
I am not inspired to do anything
-at work, at home, at life-
I want to be writing
I want to be writing the way I used to
I am thinking too much about what's happened to me
I am obsessed with thinking and not talking
-Talking gets in the way of thinking and I think too fast for me to talk-
-Talking really fast is how I get it out and there isn't a comma to separate my thoughts from the others ones-
-Punctuation gets in the way sometimes-
I am remembering what used to inspire me
-And it doesn't inspire me anymore. It's trite and I don't like it.-
Should I be worried about this crack in my wall?
Will my house of cards come crumbling down around me?
I want to make art that means something. Something I can be proud of.
Art doesn't happen anymore the way it used to for me.
Where did the Art go? Where is the warmth in art?
Warm. Hot. Cold. Chilly.
When it gets chilly, will I be cold and alone?
Nobody there to keep me warm?
"Behind that cheeky, cheeky smile was a sad, sad man..."
Why do I consider the past?
I am considering my past the way one should consider the lobster.
I am a mess.
I am prone to lashing out at what upsets me.
I am upset. I will lash out.
My dreams bother me.
My dream last night was more real than they've been in years.
I felt warmth in the comfort of arms in my dream.
My best friend's arms.
I could use a hug from those arms. But they're miles and miles away.
I am sad; as if you couldn't tell.
I am not writing
I need to be writing what I am thinking
I should be inspired
I am not inspired
I am not inspired to do anything
-at work, at home, at life-
I want to be writing
I want to be writing the way I used to
I am thinking too much about what's happened to me
I am obsessed with thinking and not talking
-Talking gets in the way of thinking and I think too fast for me to talk-
-Talking really fast is how I get it out and there isn't a comma to separate my thoughts from the others ones-
-Punctuation gets in the way sometimes-
I am remembering what used to inspire me
-And it doesn't inspire me anymore. It's trite and I don't like it.-
Should I be worried about this crack in my wall?
Will my house of cards come crumbling down around me?
I want to make art that means something. Something I can be proud of.
Art doesn't happen anymore the way it used to for me.
Where did the Art go? Where is the warmth in art?
Warm. Hot. Cold. Chilly.
When it gets chilly, will I be cold and alone?
Nobody there to keep me warm?
"Behind that cheeky, cheeky smile was a sad, sad man..."
Why do I consider the past?
I am considering my past the way one should consider the lobster.
I am a mess.
I am prone to lashing out at what upsets me.
I am upset. I will lash out.
My dreams bother me.
My dream last night was more real than they've been in years.
I felt warmth in the comfort of arms in my dream.
My best friend's arms.
I could use a hug from those arms. But they're miles and miles away.
I am sad; as if you couldn't tell.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
What's Your Favorite Scary Movie?
I first fell in love with the "Scream" saga after watching the first one on cable because I was too young to see it in the theaters. The following two were just as fulfilling of my slasher-flick bloodlust when I got to see them. Let it be known that I LOVE THE SCREAM MOVIES. The classic motifs, the triumph of those who know the rules and the recurring characters of Sydney, Dewey, and Gail. These are my generation's horror flicks, and they have everything you could ever want in a series.
*Note: "Saw" and its subsequent sequels are NOT horror movies or slasher flicks. They are, rightfully quoted, "Torture Porn." I have never seen them, and I don't plan on it in my lifetime.
So when I heard that Scre4m was coming out, I almost passed out with joy over the return of my favorite victims and storylines, despite some worry about Wes Craven (director) messing up what was already so perfect. Remember: Don't fuck with the original. We're going back to Woodsboro: Ghostface is killing, Sydney will inevitably be returning as a "stronger person," Dewey and Gail will appear as a married couple (because you saw the proposal at the end of Scream 3, too!) and there will be a whole new set of rules. There's a reason Ghostface is coming back at the same time Sydney returns to Woodsboro to promote her book on the ANNIVERSARY OF THE ORIGINAL MURDERS! When we see this at the top of the movie, we know that there is going to be a connection between this set of murders and the first set. A whole new batch of high-school kids who love the "Stab" series based on Sydney's life, movie buffs, the creepy boyfriend (A.K.A. Billy Loomis) and we have the inevitable Sydney character in Jill, whom we find out to be Sydney's Cousin. Sydney is back, Ghostface is back, so its obvious that the killer, whomever he/she/they may be, is gonna be after both of them. My bloodlust had returned.
New Century. New Movie. New Rules. New Killer.
I will NOT reveal anything else about the movie... yet. Maybe when the movie's been out for a month, I'll drop a few spoiler alerts. I will beg each and every one of you to go see it and satisfy your thirst for the Woodsboro murders. It's worth it, I promise, and you will not be disappointed.
Cheers,
Ennui, who has a renewed faith in the life of the Slasher-Flick.
*Note: "Saw" and its subsequent sequels are NOT horror movies or slasher flicks. They are, rightfully quoted, "Torture Porn." I have never seen them, and I don't plan on it in my lifetime.
So when I heard that Scre4m was coming out, I almost passed out with joy over the return of my favorite victims and storylines, despite some worry about Wes Craven (director) messing up what was already so perfect. Remember: Don't fuck with the original. We're going back to Woodsboro: Ghostface is killing, Sydney will inevitably be returning as a "stronger person," Dewey and Gail will appear as a married couple (because you saw the proposal at the end of Scream 3, too!) and there will be a whole new set of rules. There's a reason Ghostface is coming back at the same time Sydney returns to Woodsboro to promote her book on the ANNIVERSARY OF THE ORIGINAL MURDERS! When we see this at the top of the movie, we know that there is going to be a connection between this set of murders and the first set. A whole new batch of high-school kids who love the "Stab" series based on Sydney's life, movie buffs, the creepy boyfriend (A.K.A. Billy Loomis) and we have the inevitable Sydney character in Jill, whom we find out to be Sydney's Cousin. Sydney is back, Ghostface is back, so its obvious that the killer, whomever he/she/they may be, is gonna be after both of them. My bloodlust had returned.
New Century. New Movie. New Rules. New Killer.
I will NOT reveal anything else about the movie... yet. Maybe when the movie's been out for a month, I'll drop a few spoiler alerts. I will beg each and every one of you to go see it and satisfy your thirst for the Woodsboro murders. It's worth it, I promise, and you will not be disappointed.
Cheers,
Ennui, who has a renewed faith in the life of the Slasher-Flick.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
After a hiatus...
...A hiatus from writing about my life, or life in general, as prompted me to begin again. Not necessarily anew, per se, but begin again a la sprints or swimming laps or what have you. Anyway here goes nothing... I think.
Been thinking a lot. More than usual, I should mention, due to the fact that I've had a recent exposure to what is commonly referred to as a rejection. That's right folks I got rejected. Twice in one week. The first was by someone I wasn't particularly wholeheartedly interested in, but rather wanted to befriend and move forward with. The second was by someone I had met and made a move on and was promptly denied the next day. Now, as someone who has, albeit, been absent from "The Game" I found these two instances rather jarring, and it's gotten me thinking about, what else, game. Who has it? How long do you have it? Do you rent it, or own it? Does your game expire after x-many months of not using it? My answer to the last question is, maybe it does. Its been a damn long time since I've had to use what game I had on anyone, and I felt really out of practice and uncomfortable. The phrase "step up your game" really was applicable in my situation(s). What did I do wrong? Why in the hell wasn't I in control of anything?
I'm not saying that everyone should be running game on everyone else, but what I am saying is that its highly likely my game needs a workout and these two opportunities were the warm-up. So where is the real challenge? Is running game applicable to anything in the world? Because if that's the case then I've been in practice for as long as I've had it. But if it's not the case, then where did it go when I needed it most? I used to get so excited from the thrill of a new player in my game because it was the prospect of a new project, something to focus my extra energy upon; and now I have all this energy and nobody to use it on or share it with! Which brings me to my next point:
To Run Game, or To Be Alone? Since I've been in Chicago, I've had Zero (0) new, shall I say, encounters and it has made me consider what I really want. Selfishly, a fling with one or two someones wouldn't be that bad-or so my head says. My heart, granted a jaded and relatively brand new heart, suggests that I find someone to be a companion. I've spent many a night believing that I am forever truly alone and am never meant to be with just one person; that my future is sure to be littered with hearts that I vaguely considered to be worthy. For those that know me, that's enough. It's who I am, and who I have been for years and ultimately, who I have shaped myself to be. So now what? I'm taking suggestions. Frankly, what I don't want to hear is that "I'll meet someone who will sweep me off my feet," or "just go out and meet people like you're good at," or, my personal favorite: "when the right person comes along, you'll know." All of those diatribes can go straight back to where they came from. I'm not an idealist, I'm a thinker and a realist and someone who lives in the real world; not a Disney-molded fairy tale. I don't want a Disney ending, but I would sure as hell like to know where I'm gonna end up and whether or not someone is going to be there laughing at the expense of others with me. Because I'd like to go ahead and prepare myself.
I leave it to the fates to decide. Funny how a realist leaves her future to the fates; the irony is not lost on me.
cheers,
Ennui
Been thinking a lot. More than usual, I should mention, due to the fact that I've had a recent exposure to what is commonly referred to as a rejection. That's right folks I got rejected. Twice in one week. The first was by someone I wasn't particularly wholeheartedly interested in, but rather wanted to befriend and move forward with. The second was by someone I had met and made a move on and was promptly denied the next day. Now, as someone who has, albeit, been absent from "The Game" I found these two instances rather jarring, and it's gotten me thinking about, what else, game. Who has it? How long do you have it? Do you rent it, or own it? Does your game expire after x-many months of not using it? My answer to the last question is, maybe it does. Its been a damn long time since I've had to use what game I had on anyone, and I felt really out of practice and uncomfortable. The phrase "step up your game" really was applicable in my situation(s). What did I do wrong? Why in the hell wasn't I in control of anything?
I'm not saying that everyone should be running game on everyone else, but what I am saying is that its highly likely my game needs a workout and these two opportunities were the warm-up. So where is the real challenge? Is running game applicable to anything in the world? Because if that's the case then I've been in practice for as long as I've had it. But if it's not the case, then where did it go when I needed it most? I used to get so excited from the thrill of a new player in my game because it was the prospect of a new project, something to focus my extra energy upon; and now I have all this energy and nobody to use it on or share it with! Which brings me to my next point:
To Run Game, or To Be Alone? Since I've been in Chicago, I've had Zero (0) new, shall I say, encounters and it has made me consider what I really want. Selfishly, a fling with one or two someones wouldn't be that bad-or so my head says. My heart, granted a jaded and relatively brand new heart, suggests that I find someone to be a companion. I've spent many a night believing that I am forever truly alone and am never meant to be with just one person; that my future is sure to be littered with hearts that I vaguely considered to be worthy. For those that know me, that's enough. It's who I am, and who I have been for years and ultimately, who I have shaped myself to be. So now what? I'm taking suggestions. Frankly, what I don't want to hear is that "I'll meet someone who will sweep me off my feet," or "just go out and meet people like you're good at," or, my personal favorite: "when the right person comes along, you'll know." All of those diatribes can go straight back to where they came from. I'm not an idealist, I'm a thinker and a realist and someone who lives in the real world; not a Disney-molded fairy tale. I don't want a Disney ending, but I would sure as hell like to know where I'm gonna end up and whether or not someone is going to be there laughing at the expense of others with me. Because I'd like to go ahead and prepare myself.
I leave it to the fates to decide. Funny how a realist leaves her future to the fates; the irony is not lost on me.
cheers,
Ennui
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