things i would rather be doing in Chicago right now instead of sitting at home:
-Being in rehearsal.
-Seeing a show.
-Sitting at a bar with friends.
-riding a bike around town
but what I really want to be doing is running a rehearsal. Its strange how I'm feeling this way after so many months of being out of the theatre, that all I want to do now is go back. Its what I know and its what I'm so comfortable doing. I can be confident in those decisions that I make. I don't question what I'm doing because it comes naturally to me after 4 years of constant training. From day one of meetings to strike, I know the exact cycle and process, and for some reason, I'm just not getting that right now. I sit at a desk for 8.5 hours a day, and I still don't know what is supposed to happen everyday. There is no room for error or screwups here. It's a little stifling. No real room for creativity.
It's difficult for me to say that I'm unhappy, because I feel that would make me sound ungrateful for the opportunity that was offered to me. I'm not ungrateful. This job has brought me to Chicago; the town that I wanted ultimately get to. But I'm here now, doing something that my life shouldn't have written in it. Someone else took the red editing pen to my life story and wrote this in. How should I, the writer of my own life, feel about this unwanted change, this inky red mark on my life story?
Very easily, one could tell me to get out, go walk around, go explore your city. Really? Me, explore this city alone? "Go to a bar like you used to. You used to go by yourself all the time," they could say. Yeah, but that's because I always knew someone would meet me there. I don't know anyone here, until Sager gets here next week, at least. I can't maintain a professional attitude at work if I go out with my coworkers or develop an outside-the-workplace friendship with my employees; not like they would do at LSU. I don't have a sport to play recreationally; I'm not dedicated (though I love playing it) enough to softball to go out and play with a team. I'm tired of seeing movies, of being inundated with fun things to do, of the barrage of images thrown at me when I have no access to them. I'm essentially a writer, an observer, a thinker. I do all of the above too much in my everyday to not get melancholy when I have nothing to write, think, or observe except what I do everyday. The mundane in its own beauty is meaningless today. Why am I unmotivated to do anything? Where has my sense of adventure gone? On its own adventure, perhaps? I do not want to be buried in my cocoon of an apartment waiting for someone to get home and be jealous of an experience they just had. Can someone send me motivation overnight, please?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Real Life
When will real life actually hit me in the face and say “grow up?” I keep waiting for this burst of inspiration or mobility to come from somewhere deep within me and it never happens. Why can’t I just start packing my shit to move to Chicago? Why can’t I bring myself to learn what I’m supposed to be doing? Is it maybe because I’m still in a college mentality? I’m living in a college town-the epitome of one, actually- and I work on campus. I’m 20 years old, and I’ve been offered a real, salary paying job, but it hasn’t really sunk in yet. I haven’t even been to the campus where I’m about to be working, and everyone is expecting so much from me already. I only have a month, people. Please chill.
But then, real life doesn’t have a month. Real life barely has 24 hours to get shit done, and I’ve been gifted with a month, so why can’t I just utilize the time I have in the most efficient way possible? A lackadaisical attitude can carry over from undergrad to real life, and it’s poisonous. If what we need is more motivation, then its time for us to get it. We have less than a month.
But then, real life doesn’t have a month. Real life barely has 24 hours to get shit done, and I’ve been gifted with a month, so why can’t I just utilize the time I have in the most efficient way possible? A lackadaisical attitude can carry over from undergrad to real life, and it’s poisonous. If what we need is more motivation, then its time for us to get it. We have less than a month.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Talks With The Moon
Hey Stranger
Mr. Man in that moon.
Long time no see
No, don't make me cry, moon.
It's both our fault.
But, look at my hands.
They're full of you again.
You and that light, sweet moon.
Remember filling my hands, my palms
with the light and love you
promised me?
It got there, you know.
That warm light stopped and settled
and filled my hands
with a matching set.
Ten fingers that fit so well there's
electricity.
Fire, heart, passion and
love, love, love.
That pool of moonlight I was once
reflected in touched my soul.
Saw my secrets and my
deeds for four years.
Forgive me my sins, moon.
May your moonbeams absolve me
of my wrongs from so much time
spent running through that field.
Dishonoring your gifts to me
Spreading myself too thin to be full.
I didn't want to be full.
Couldn't be loved
Didn't deserve to be loved.
And when I woke up in that field. That Field
four years deep of my mistakes
I found arms
around me.
Enveloped in love that could only
have been given by you.
Love by moonlight.
I found arms that held me.
Here are my hands, moon.
Fill my palms with the light
I once saw, that show me
the pathway to the life and love
I know now.
Let the moonlight guide me to my
next step.
Mr. Man I know you hear me.
Hear me now and take my hands,
my body, my soul
once more
to the reflecting pool.
Love grounds
but moonlight soars.
Mr. Man in that moon.
Long time no see
No, don't make me cry, moon.
It's both our fault.
But, look at my hands.
They're full of you again.
You and that light, sweet moon.
Remember filling my hands, my palms
with the light and love you
promised me?
It got there, you know.
That warm light stopped and settled
and filled my hands
with a matching set.
Ten fingers that fit so well there's
electricity.
Fire, heart, passion and
love, love, love.
That pool of moonlight I was once
reflected in touched my soul.
Saw my secrets and my
deeds for four years.
Forgive me my sins, moon.
May your moonbeams absolve me
of my wrongs from so much time
spent running through that field.
Dishonoring your gifts to me
Spreading myself too thin to be full.
I didn't want to be full.
Couldn't be loved
Didn't deserve to be loved.
And when I woke up in that field. That Field
four years deep of my mistakes
I found arms
around me.
Enveloped in love that could only
have been given by you.
Love by moonlight.
I found arms that held me.
Here are my hands, moon.
Fill my palms with the light
I once saw, that show me
the pathway to the life and love
I know now.
Let the moonlight guide me to my
next step.
Mr. Man I know you hear me.
Hear me now and take my hands,
my body, my soul
once more
to the reflecting pool.
Love grounds
but moonlight soars.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Designer Vaginas?! You've Got To Be Kidding, Right? Right!??
From: Designer Vaginas-Simone Weil Davis
“Labiaplasty [. . .] trimming away labial tissue and sometimes injecting fat from another part of the body into the labia that have been deemed excessively droopy” (287). When I first read this description of the procedure, my own vulva clenched up in fear. I can’t understand why women want to have this procedure done, though reasons have been given; women claiming that they want their labia to be prettier, more like the labia they see in pornography, and less ugly. Less like one’s personal anatomy and more like a mass-produced good readily available at your next doctor’s visit. How can a woman think her labia are “abnormal,” when they’re what she was born with? From my perspective, nip/tucking one’s labia is more akin to female genital cutting and female circumcision than making it more aesthetically pleasing. Who has the right to decide what is and isn’t “normal” in terms of a vulva’s appearance?
When Congress passed the criminalizing of circumcising a minor female in 1996 (290), the congressional leaders should also have taken into consideration the rise of the popularity of plastic surgery amongst females at that time. An insightful person could have suspected that labiaplasty would be the closest procedure to female genital cutting, but only slightly crossing the border from cosmetic surgery. The anti-FGO laws make mention of the “rituals” and customs of cutting African immigrant bodies and criminalize them (290), but cosmetic surgery in that specific area isn’t even approached. It’s still legal for a doctor to tell his female patient that her labia are droopy, unappealing, and above all, unsexy. This same doctor then goes on to advise his patient to get the wholly unnecessary procedure. I’m likening labiaplasty to FGOs in African countries because of the amount of pressure women feel to have this procedure done in order to please men. In America, some women believe that if they have their labia tightened up just a little, then men will be jumping into these women’s beds, enjoying their new physiques. However, in those still existing African countries where female circumcision is still okay, it’s encouraged, if not enforced by law. In both of these patriarchal societies, the ideal for feminine beauty now goes so far down below the waist; it has even struck women where they live. A woman’s vulva (all parts included) used to be her own, at least in America. In Africa it’s been such a tradition for women to be circumcised at a young age, that it’s actually abnormal if the procedure isn’t done. Why, then, are American women submitting to this tribal-like attitude men are projecting that women’s labia should be tight and pretty, and it’s a woman’s job to please the men in her life, so she must get labiaplasty? Though there, clearly, are women who claim that they are nip/tucking their way to a happier and more comfortable lifestyle, the question still remains where they got the information and idea about these surgeries in the first place. It’s more than likely that some male driven fantasy that needed to be executed planted the seed of idea. I’d like to conclude by agreeing with the following quote from Davis: “it is imperative that both consent issues and vaginal modifications themselves be considered on a continuum that is not determined along hemispheric, national, or racial lines” (293). Essentially, ladies, take a look at what’s really going on when thinking about having your pussy cut up and tightened, even just a little bit.
“Labiaplasty [. . .] trimming away labial tissue and sometimes injecting fat from another part of the body into the labia that have been deemed excessively droopy” (287). When I first read this description of the procedure, my own vulva clenched up in fear. I can’t understand why women want to have this procedure done, though reasons have been given; women claiming that they want their labia to be prettier, more like the labia they see in pornography, and less ugly. Less like one’s personal anatomy and more like a mass-produced good readily available at your next doctor’s visit. How can a woman think her labia are “abnormal,” when they’re what she was born with? From my perspective, nip/tucking one’s labia is more akin to female genital cutting and female circumcision than making it more aesthetically pleasing. Who has the right to decide what is and isn’t “normal” in terms of a vulva’s appearance?
When Congress passed the criminalizing of circumcising a minor female in 1996 (290), the congressional leaders should also have taken into consideration the rise of the popularity of plastic surgery amongst females at that time. An insightful person could have suspected that labiaplasty would be the closest procedure to female genital cutting, but only slightly crossing the border from cosmetic surgery. The anti-FGO laws make mention of the “rituals” and customs of cutting African immigrant bodies and criminalize them (290), but cosmetic surgery in that specific area isn’t even approached. It’s still legal for a doctor to tell his female patient that her labia are droopy, unappealing, and above all, unsexy. This same doctor then goes on to advise his patient to get the wholly unnecessary procedure. I’m likening labiaplasty to FGOs in African countries because of the amount of pressure women feel to have this procedure done in order to please men. In America, some women believe that if they have their labia tightened up just a little, then men will be jumping into these women’s beds, enjoying their new physiques. However, in those still existing African countries where female circumcision is still okay, it’s encouraged, if not enforced by law. In both of these patriarchal societies, the ideal for feminine beauty now goes so far down below the waist; it has even struck women where they live. A woman’s vulva (all parts included) used to be her own, at least in America. In Africa it’s been such a tradition for women to be circumcised at a young age, that it’s actually abnormal if the procedure isn’t done. Why, then, are American women submitting to this tribal-like attitude men are projecting that women’s labia should be tight and pretty, and it’s a woman’s job to please the men in her life, so she must get labiaplasty? Though there, clearly, are women who claim that they are nip/tucking their way to a happier and more comfortable lifestyle, the question still remains where they got the information and idea about these surgeries in the first place. It’s more than likely that some male driven fantasy that needed to be executed planted the seed of idea. I’d like to conclude by agreeing with the following quote from Davis: “it is imperative that both consent issues and vaginal modifications themselves be considered on a continuum that is not determined along hemispheric, national, or racial lines” (293). Essentially, ladies, take a look at what’s really going on when thinking about having your pussy cut up and tightened, even just a little bit.
Friday, February 12, 2010
"Prodigal Sons"- The Oprah Show
You've read my rantings about tv talk shows before. You've read my writings on what it means to do right by one's gender. Now, you get both:
Yesterday, as I was watching the end of the Ellen DeGeneres Show, I was caught mid-step by an advertisement for the Oprah show immediately following Ellen. The commercial promised viewers a look into the life of a transsexual/transgendered male to female. I was awestruck at the story being presented right there on national television, not out of offense, but out of the story’s content. Of course, I stopped right where I was and continued for an hour to watch Oprah dig into this person’s life. Here is Kimberly, nee Paul, on Oprah’s couch talking about her past life as a high school star quarterback, valedictorian, and all-around “golden boy.” In Paul’s mid-twenties, he had moved to San Francisco to pursue other sexual pursuits than were considered appropriate in his Montana home and he underwent sex reassignment surgery to become Kimberly. She showed clips of her documentary detailing the events of her life as a boy and now as a woman, which also included footage of her family, who held differing opinions amongst themselves about Kimberly’s current life.
Let’s take a look at Paul’s high school achievements: He was the quarterback on the football team, incredibly popular, and valedictorian; he was a leader, but never felt quite right in his own body. Was Paul simply “doing his gender” (as Lorber would put it) by participating in these activities and succeeding at them? Some would say that he was acting the way a straight, white, male should in a small town in Montana. How then, can his personal feminine feelings be incorporated to his “doing gender” as a male? There was no middle ground for him. Paul felt inherently female throughout his entire life, and it wasn’t until he had escaped his hometown that he could pursue his goals as a woman. Which gender was he supposed to perform as before his reassignment surgery? Though he was born biologically male, he had played that part already. In exploring his “feminine side,” he was now “doing” that gender and felt better about it. The question then arises to ask whether or not Kimberly was doing her gender, since she was not biologically born as a woman? How did she know how to act or perform in everyday life? Did this knowledge stem from whatever Paul had learned in his lifetime, and if so, does that mean that Paul wasn’t doing his gender properly since he felt female?
Lorber says “Every society classifies people as ‘girl and boy children,’ ‘girls and boys ready to be married,’ and ‘fully adult women and men’” (143). Kimberly doesn’t exactly fit into this stratification. Lorber continues to argue that between the two genders, there are certain roles and characteristics applied to each, and yet Kimberly defied such social norms and constructions when she underwent her surgery. While many theorists/scientists/educators emphasize these stratification separations as necessary components of daily life, there are those like Kimberly who defy such ideals. Anne Fausto-Sterling, in her essay “Two Sexes Are Not Enough” states that “if the state and legal system has an interest in maintaining only two sexes, our collective biological bodies do not” (140). I think Fausto-Sterling is absolutely correct in her statement, especially when it applies to trans-gendered/sexual people, because for a moment these individuals are, at a minimum, two genders at once. Which one should they do?
Yesterday, as I was watching the end of the Ellen DeGeneres Show, I was caught mid-step by an advertisement for the Oprah show immediately following Ellen. The commercial promised viewers a look into the life of a transsexual/transgendered male to female. I was awestruck at the story being presented right there on national television, not out of offense, but out of the story’s content. Of course, I stopped right where I was and continued for an hour to watch Oprah dig into this person’s life. Here is Kimberly, nee Paul, on Oprah’s couch talking about her past life as a high school star quarterback, valedictorian, and all-around “golden boy.” In Paul’s mid-twenties, he had moved to San Francisco to pursue other sexual pursuits than were considered appropriate in his Montana home and he underwent sex reassignment surgery to become Kimberly. She showed clips of her documentary detailing the events of her life as a boy and now as a woman, which also included footage of her family, who held differing opinions amongst themselves about Kimberly’s current life.
Let’s take a look at Paul’s high school achievements: He was the quarterback on the football team, incredibly popular, and valedictorian; he was a leader, but never felt quite right in his own body. Was Paul simply “doing his gender” (as Lorber would put it) by participating in these activities and succeeding at them? Some would say that he was acting the way a straight, white, male should in a small town in Montana. How then, can his personal feminine feelings be incorporated to his “doing gender” as a male? There was no middle ground for him. Paul felt inherently female throughout his entire life, and it wasn’t until he had escaped his hometown that he could pursue his goals as a woman. Which gender was he supposed to perform as before his reassignment surgery? Though he was born biologically male, he had played that part already. In exploring his “feminine side,” he was now “doing” that gender and felt better about it. The question then arises to ask whether or not Kimberly was doing her gender, since she was not biologically born as a woman? How did she know how to act or perform in everyday life? Did this knowledge stem from whatever Paul had learned in his lifetime, and if so, does that mean that Paul wasn’t doing his gender properly since he felt female?
Lorber says “Every society classifies people as ‘girl and boy children,’ ‘girls and boys ready to be married,’ and ‘fully adult women and men’” (143). Kimberly doesn’t exactly fit into this stratification. Lorber continues to argue that between the two genders, there are certain roles and characteristics applied to each, and yet Kimberly defied such social norms and constructions when she underwent her surgery. While many theorists/scientists/educators emphasize these stratification separations as necessary components of daily life, there are those like Kimberly who defy such ideals. Anne Fausto-Sterling, in her essay “Two Sexes Are Not Enough” states that “if the state and legal system has an interest in maintaining only two sexes, our collective biological bodies do not” (140). I think Fausto-Sterling is absolutely correct in her statement, especially when it applies to trans-gendered/sexual people, because for a moment these individuals are, at a minimum, two genders at once. Which one should they do?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Mazel Tov!
Talking to my sister yesterday, I came upon the idea of what I want to do for my birthday... in 6 months.
Bat Mitzvah-style 21st birthday. Now, granted, a bat mitzvah usually occurs earlier in a girl's life, around the time when her family considers her officially a woman, but seeing as how I'm not inherently Jewish, I'm throwing myself a bat mitzvah anyway at whatever age I choose. I jokingly have always told everyone that I believe there is a 40-year-old Jewish woman who lives inside of me- named Ester- and I think she'd like this. My plan, then, is the following:
1. Rent a synogogue. I call it "rent-a-gogue."
2. Theme colors are blue and white.
3. Bring on the Manishevitz! I like wine and I like to party, so why not combine the two and celebrate my birthday!
4. Subtract the Torah, I just want the party that would inevitably come afterward.
Now, I know it's sick, twisted, and completely disrespectful to those who adhere to the Hebrew faith, but I want everyone to yell Mazel Tov when it's my birthday, dammit! Your thoughts and contributions are greatly appreciated. Get planning, people.
Cheers,
Ennui
Bat Mitzvah-style 21st birthday. Now, granted, a bat mitzvah usually occurs earlier in a girl's life, around the time when her family considers her officially a woman, but seeing as how I'm not inherently Jewish, I'm throwing myself a bat mitzvah anyway at whatever age I choose. I jokingly have always told everyone that I believe there is a 40-year-old Jewish woman who lives inside of me- named Ester- and I think she'd like this. My plan, then, is the following:
1. Rent a synogogue. I call it "rent-a-gogue."
2. Theme colors are blue and white.
3. Bring on the Manishevitz! I like wine and I like to party, so why not combine the two and celebrate my birthday!
4. Subtract the Torah, I just want the party that would inevitably come afterward.
Now, I know it's sick, twisted, and completely disrespectful to those who adhere to the Hebrew faith, but I want everyone to yell Mazel Tov when it's my birthday, dammit! Your thoughts and contributions are greatly appreciated. Get planning, people.
Cheers,
Ennui
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