things i would rather be doing in Chicago right now instead of sitting at home:
-Being in rehearsal.
-Seeing a show.
-Sitting at a bar with friends.
-riding a bike around town
but what I really want to be doing is running a rehearsal. Its strange how I'm feeling this way after so many months of being out of the theatre, that all I want to do now is go back. Its what I know and its what I'm so comfortable doing. I can be confident in those decisions that I make. I don't question what I'm doing because it comes naturally to me after 4 years of constant training. From day one of meetings to strike, I know the exact cycle and process, and for some reason, I'm just not getting that right now. I sit at a desk for 8.5 hours a day, and I still don't know what is supposed to happen everyday. There is no room for error or screwups here. It's a little stifling. No real room for creativity.
It's difficult for me to say that I'm unhappy, because I feel that would make me sound ungrateful for the opportunity that was offered to me. I'm not ungrateful. This job has brought me to Chicago; the town that I wanted ultimately get to. But I'm here now, doing something that my life shouldn't have written in it. Someone else took the red editing pen to my life story and wrote this in. How should I, the writer of my own life, feel about this unwanted change, this inky red mark on my life story?
Very easily, one could tell me to get out, go walk around, go explore your city. Really? Me, explore this city alone? "Go to a bar like you used to. You used to go by yourself all the time," they could say. Yeah, but that's because I always knew someone would meet me there. I don't know anyone here, until Sager gets here next week, at least. I can't maintain a professional attitude at work if I go out with my coworkers or develop an outside-the-workplace friendship with my employees; not like they would do at LSU. I don't have a sport to play recreationally; I'm not dedicated (though I love playing it) enough to softball to go out and play with a team. I'm tired of seeing movies, of being inundated with fun things to do, of the barrage of images thrown at me when I have no access to them. I'm essentially a writer, an observer, a thinker. I do all of the above too much in my everyday to not get melancholy when I have nothing to write, think, or observe except what I do everyday. The mundane in its own beauty is meaningless today. Why am I unmotivated to do anything? Where has my sense of adventure gone? On its own adventure, perhaps? I do not want to be buried in my cocoon of an apartment waiting for someone to get home and be jealous of an experience they just had. Can someone send me motivation overnight, please?
