things i would rather be doing in Chicago right now instead of sitting at home:
-Being in rehearsal.
-Seeing a show.
-Sitting at a bar with friends.
-riding a bike around town
but what I really want to be doing is running a rehearsal. Its strange how I'm feeling this way after so many months of being out of the theatre, that all I want to do now is go back. Its what I know and its what I'm so comfortable doing. I can be confident in those decisions that I make. I don't question what I'm doing because it comes naturally to me after 4 years of constant training. From day one of meetings to strike, I know the exact cycle and process, and for some reason, I'm just not getting that right now. I sit at a desk for 8.5 hours a day, and I still don't know what is supposed to happen everyday. There is no room for error or screwups here. It's a little stifling. No real room for creativity.
It's difficult for me to say that I'm unhappy, because I feel that would make me sound ungrateful for the opportunity that was offered to me. I'm not ungrateful. This job has brought me to Chicago; the town that I wanted ultimately get to. But I'm here now, doing something that my life shouldn't have written in it. Someone else took the red editing pen to my life story and wrote this in. How should I, the writer of my own life, feel about this unwanted change, this inky red mark on my life story?
Very easily, one could tell me to get out, go walk around, go explore your city. Really? Me, explore this city alone? "Go to a bar like you used to. You used to go by yourself all the time," they could say. Yeah, but that's because I always knew someone would meet me there. I don't know anyone here, until Sager gets here next week, at least. I can't maintain a professional attitude at work if I go out with my coworkers or develop an outside-the-workplace friendship with my employees; not like they would do at LSU. I don't have a sport to play recreationally; I'm not dedicated (though I love playing it) enough to softball to go out and play with a team. I'm tired of seeing movies, of being inundated with fun things to do, of the barrage of images thrown at me when I have no access to them. I'm essentially a writer, an observer, a thinker. I do all of the above too much in my everyday to not get melancholy when I have nothing to write, think, or observe except what I do everyday. The mundane in its own beauty is meaningless today. Why am I unmotivated to do anything? Where has my sense of adventure gone? On its own adventure, perhaps? I do not want to be buried in my cocoon of an apartment waiting for someone to get home and be jealous of an experience they just had. Can someone send me motivation overnight, please?
Showing posts with label Thoughts on life.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts on life.. Show all posts
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Real Life
When will real life actually hit me in the face and say “grow up?” I keep waiting for this burst of inspiration or mobility to come from somewhere deep within me and it never happens. Why can’t I just start packing my shit to move to Chicago? Why can’t I bring myself to learn what I’m supposed to be doing? Is it maybe because I’m still in a college mentality? I’m living in a college town-the epitome of one, actually- and I work on campus. I’m 20 years old, and I’ve been offered a real, salary paying job, but it hasn’t really sunk in yet. I haven’t even been to the campus where I’m about to be working, and everyone is expecting so much from me already. I only have a month, people. Please chill.
But then, real life doesn’t have a month. Real life barely has 24 hours to get shit done, and I’ve been gifted with a month, so why can’t I just utilize the time I have in the most efficient way possible? A lackadaisical attitude can carry over from undergrad to real life, and it’s poisonous. If what we need is more motivation, then its time for us to get it. We have less than a month.
But then, real life doesn’t have a month. Real life barely has 24 hours to get shit done, and I’ve been gifted with a month, so why can’t I just utilize the time I have in the most efficient way possible? A lackadaisical attitude can carry over from undergrad to real life, and it’s poisonous. If what we need is more motivation, then its time for us to get it. We have less than a month.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Mazel Tov!
Talking to my sister yesterday, I came upon the idea of what I want to do for my birthday... in 6 months.
Bat Mitzvah-style 21st birthday. Now, granted, a bat mitzvah usually occurs earlier in a girl's life, around the time when her family considers her officially a woman, but seeing as how I'm not inherently Jewish, I'm throwing myself a bat mitzvah anyway at whatever age I choose. I jokingly have always told everyone that I believe there is a 40-year-old Jewish woman who lives inside of me- named Ester- and I think she'd like this. My plan, then, is the following:
1. Rent a synogogue. I call it "rent-a-gogue."
2. Theme colors are blue and white.
3. Bring on the Manishevitz! I like wine and I like to party, so why not combine the two and celebrate my birthday!
4. Subtract the Torah, I just want the party that would inevitably come afterward.
Now, I know it's sick, twisted, and completely disrespectful to those who adhere to the Hebrew faith, but I want everyone to yell Mazel Tov when it's my birthday, dammit! Your thoughts and contributions are greatly appreciated. Get planning, people.
Cheers,
Ennui
Bat Mitzvah-style 21st birthday. Now, granted, a bat mitzvah usually occurs earlier in a girl's life, around the time when her family considers her officially a woman, but seeing as how I'm not inherently Jewish, I'm throwing myself a bat mitzvah anyway at whatever age I choose. I jokingly have always told everyone that I believe there is a 40-year-old Jewish woman who lives inside of me- named Ester- and I think she'd like this. My plan, then, is the following:
1. Rent a synogogue. I call it "rent-a-gogue."
2. Theme colors are blue and white.
3. Bring on the Manishevitz! I like wine and I like to party, so why not combine the two and celebrate my birthday!
4. Subtract the Torah, I just want the party that would inevitably come afterward.
Now, I know it's sick, twisted, and completely disrespectful to those who adhere to the Hebrew faith, but I want everyone to yell Mazel Tov when it's my birthday, dammit! Your thoughts and contributions are greatly appreciated. Get planning, people.
Cheers,
Ennui
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Histories and Herstories
I was particularly nervous about writing my history piece; mostly because I had no idea where to begin the story. My first drafts were about my family, and while they serve their purposes in regards to my history, they weren’t the ones living it, and so I had to rewrite the entire piece to be about myself. This is where the hard thinking came in. How do I write about my past, when I can’t remember some of it, or it wasn’t that significant to perform, and how, then, do I incorporate elements of gender and sexuality? The answer came to me as I was walking through CVS. In thinking about how I have varied my views on gender and sexuality, I remembered our class talking about stereotypes, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Softball has to be the most sexually-stereotyped sport for females, followed only by basketball. I’ve played both, often during the same year but in each other’s off season, and I am quite familiar with the stereotypes associated with each. Softball seemed to hold more weight for me, though.
So I began thinking during our presentations what it must have been like for each of us to define our own sexuality and gender. Watching Alex give his presentation was interesting, as he had to come up with his own view without any assistance growing up. It struck a chord with me. I was fortunate enough to grow up with a mom and a sister telling me how to act like a lady, but I also had a dad to teach me how to be different with it; how to be a different kind of woman. Nichole’s slide show had a different tune to it, though. When she began with the slides of pinup women in “womanly” professions, I was a little put-off, thinking that it really used to be like this. Women really did have to submit to being either a teacher, a housewife, or a secretary and be at the whim of the man in control. I think that the choice to “teach” us that her own theatre teacher was different was a good segue. I don’t remember having many male teachers growing up, and that influenced me a little into thinking that teaching was, in fact, a woman’s profession. How, then, was it to change, and who was to do so? Nichole’s teacher obviously proved to her that teachers come of any gender, and that we, ourselves can be teachers, even without a classroom.
Returning to theatre, though, makes me think of Rebecca’s reading of her diary to us. Frankly, keeping a diary has always been a personal interest of mine, and listening to Rebecca read aloud from hers was a delight. I particularly enjoyed watching her tell her story of how theatre got her through one of the worst times in her life, and to have that written down is even more extraordinary. What stands out to me, though, is the fact that she played Lady Macbeth, a notoriously bitchy role, and it was fun to think of her playing that character. I wonder what that meant to her and her own definition of gender. Did playing “Lady Macbitch” aide her in re-defining her concept of the powerful woman and how that woman can get through her own particular tragedy? And then there’s Rosa; Rosa with her wooden statues marking her progression through her dance years. At first, I was a little scared by the statues. Listening to her defense of them however, made more sense than them just being creepy wooden dolls. She became the woman that she is through her dance training, and that, to me is significant. She played the dancing girl role well, and I was the ball player, which brought me to the conclusion that we are all products of our environment, as we are all rather aware, and it is that which shapes us into the people we are today.
Cheers,
Patsy
So I began thinking during our presentations what it must have been like for each of us to define our own sexuality and gender. Watching Alex give his presentation was interesting, as he had to come up with his own view without any assistance growing up. It struck a chord with me. I was fortunate enough to grow up with a mom and a sister telling me how to act like a lady, but I also had a dad to teach me how to be different with it; how to be a different kind of woman. Nichole’s slide show had a different tune to it, though. When she began with the slides of pinup women in “womanly” professions, I was a little put-off, thinking that it really used to be like this. Women really did have to submit to being either a teacher, a housewife, or a secretary and be at the whim of the man in control. I think that the choice to “teach” us that her own theatre teacher was different was a good segue. I don’t remember having many male teachers growing up, and that influenced me a little into thinking that teaching was, in fact, a woman’s profession. How, then, was it to change, and who was to do so? Nichole’s teacher obviously proved to her that teachers come of any gender, and that we, ourselves can be teachers, even without a classroom.
Returning to theatre, though, makes me think of Rebecca’s reading of her diary to us. Frankly, keeping a diary has always been a personal interest of mine, and listening to Rebecca read aloud from hers was a delight. I particularly enjoyed watching her tell her story of how theatre got her through one of the worst times in her life, and to have that written down is even more extraordinary. What stands out to me, though, is the fact that she played Lady Macbeth, a notoriously bitchy role, and it was fun to think of her playing that character. I wonder what that meant to her and her own definition of gender. Did playing “Lady Macbitch” aide her in re-defining her concept of the powerful woman and how that woman can get through her own particular tragedy? And then there’s Rosa; Rosa with her wooden statues marking her progression through her dance years. At first, I was a little scared by the statues. Listening to her defense of them however, made more sense than them just being creepy wooden dolls. She became the woman that she is through her dance training, and that, to me is significant. She played the dancing girl role well, and I was the ball player, which brought me to the conclusion that we are all products of our environment, as we are all rather aware, and it is that which shapes us into the people we are today.
Cheers,
Patsy
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Life steps
I've always wanted a tattoo. I just didn't know what to get. After much deliberation, I've decided to get one on my side-- a kind of rib piece. I want a Calla Lilly with a text-based stem. The stem will say my favorite quote: "The unexamined life is not worth living." It's by Socrates, and its a quote that I've striven to stick by my entire life. I've tried to always examine myself from every angle and to examine life as it hits me from each view. This is, perhaps, why I'm so overly analytical and why others think of me as "deep." Really, its because I'm constantly trying to figure out what makes man, and woman, kind tick. Why go through life not knowing what makes the world go round, or what kind of chemicals make up powdered lemonade? In examining my life, I've found out a lot about myself over the years, though I'm barely twenty. This is why I've decided to wait until my 21st birthday to ink myself. Mainly, because that's a big year to hit, but secondly because its the close of the hugest chapter of my life. I will have graduated from college by that time, and will hopefully have a career set in place. I'm not saying that I'm planning on having someone draw on me in permanent ink every 21 years (though that is a thought), I'm just saying that to achieve something as magnificent as one's 21st birthday is a huge step. Taking the step to get a tattoo is also significant. Hello, it's forever! So, here is a picture of the calla lilly that I want to get. Nice, huh? Though, the stem will be text coming out of the green-- maybe even green text. Calla Lillies mean "magnificent beauty," and what is more of a magnificent beauty than the examined life?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
I Speculate Sometimes...
I've got a theory.
When two people spend an extraordinary amount of time together, inevitably they begin to have a certain type of connection. Obviously, I'm not talking about a romantic relationship or connection of the same sort. What I'm trying to say is that any two people in the world can have such a connection of alikeness that they don't even notice it anymore when they dress alike, say the same thing, think the same thing. Because of this connection, they also being to feel the same things at about the same time, or with a minor delay, so that whatever happens to one person will inevitably happen to the other in some way, shape, or form. Let me give you two examples to back this up:
1. My two managers at work have been working together for upwards of 7 years. Every time that I show up to work, I always see them together. Now, granted, a logical person would reason that they are merely doing their managerial duties of making sure that the store isn't taken for everything inside, but I hold differently. They dress the same, oftentimes say the same thing at the same time, and have very similar personalities. There was even a day when they were both not at the store because both of their wives were ill, and they had to take care of them. Proof: bonded people have similar things happen to them at or around the same time.
2. Personal example: my best friend and I have known each other going on 2 years. We tell each other everything about our lives, have met each other's families, and take the same classes. Its not that we spend every waking moment together, absolutely not, we have our own lives. However, the time we do spend together is chock-full of information and companionship. That being said, she and I have been known to dress exactly the same on the same day, and we've even had an instance involving other people happen around the same time.
During Hurricane Gustav, she went off to Pensacola and met a guy, hung out with him the whole week, and began to develop something there. I, on a similar level, stayed in town and was with my friend the whole week, basically doing the same thing as my friend. Proof: due to our similar nature as friends and our situations, we both ended up in relationships of sorts after a horrific even such as Gustav.
Now, I'm not saying that this happens to every set of friends or coworkers who happen to be good friends. "Good friends" is a term that varies depending on the level of trust between the two people involved. Also, this is not a "puppet master" kind of theory. Sharing something as complex as a friendship or a working relationship develops this trust-bond which connects you to the other person in a way that not many people understand. I, for one, am still perplexed every time my friend and I dress the same without even planning it, or without even seeing each other for days beforehand. Maybe its kind of like the twin theory. The one that claims that a set of twins, triplets, etc., can feel what the other is feeling, though they may be miles apart. My theory may not involve DNA, but it certainly lies along the same lines and plane that the twin theory holds. Who's to say it isn't true?
When two people spend an extraordinary amount of time together, inevitably they begin to have a certain type of connection. Obviously, I'm not talking about a romantic relationship or connection of the same sort. What I'm trying to say is that any two people in the world can have such a connection of alikeness that they don't even notice it anymore when they dress alike, say the same thing, think the same thing. Because of this connection, they also being to feel the same things at about the same time, or with a minor delay, so that whatever happens to one person will inevitably happen to the other in some way, shape, or form. Let me give you two examples to back this up:
1. My two managers at work have been working together for upwards of 7 years. Every time that I show up to work, I always see them together. Now, granted, a logical person would reason that they are merely doing their managerial duties of making sure that the store isn't taken for everything inside, but I hold differently. They dress the same, oftentimes say the same thing at the same time, and have very similar personalities. There was even a day when they were both not at the store because both of their wives were ill, and they had to take care of them. Proof: bonded people have similar things happen to them at or around the same time.
2. Personal example: my best friend and I have known each other going on 2 years. We tell each other everything about our lives, have met each other's families, and take the same classes. Its not that we spend every waking moment together, absolutely not, we have our own lives. However, the time we do spend together is chock-full of information and companionship. That being said, she and I have been known to dress exactly the same on the same day, and we've even had an instance involving other people happen around the same time.
During Hurricane Gustav, she went off to Pensacola and met a guy, hung out with him the whole week, and began to develop something there. I, on a similar level, stayed in town and was with my friend the whole week, basically doing the same thing as my friend. Proof: due to our similar nature as friends and our situations, we both ended up in relationships of sorts after a horrific even such as Gustav.
Now, I'm not saying that this happens to every set of friends or coworkers who happen to be good friends. "Good friends" is a term that varies depending on the level of trust between the two people involved. Also, this is not a "puppet master" kind of theory. Sharing something as complex as a friendship or a working relationship develops this trust-bond which connects you to the other person in a way that not many people understand. I, for one, am still perplexed every time my friend and I dress the same without even planning it, or without even seeing each other for days beforehand. Maybe its kind of like the twin theory. The one that claims that a set of twins, triplets, etc., can feel what the other is feeling, though they may be miles apart. My theory may not involve DNA, but it certainly lies along the same lines and plane that the twin theory holds. Who's to say it isn't true?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Humans are mere mortals. Deal with it.
It is the very nature of the human condition to survive. To live. To even outlive the next guy (or gal, and for the purposes of this post, all references to "man" also include women). Man is afraid of dying out and being forgotten. Why else do you think that there are so many recorded instances of human existence? Whether it's from cave drawings or published accounts of human triumph, man has made sure that the future generations know that the first humans did, in fact, exist. For that matter of survival, this is exactly why man goes to war- to outlive everyone. Modern medicine is also a way of postponing physical death. In that time that the medicated are living, they are busy making sure that everyone who physically outlives them remembers those that came before them. Oral accounts of some great ancestor ensure that a memory of someone lives on. That ancestor may not have been president or found the cure for cancer, but that spaghetti recipe has transcended generations, and for that, the creator of said recipe has achieved immortality.
Immortality is the name of the game of life, folks. Memory is the strongest sense we have to the past and the act of remembering someone ensures that the deceased live on. They survive by mere memory and recollection. Darwin had it right the first time: Survival of the fittest, if not the fittest memory.
Immortality is the name of the game of life, folks. Memory is the strongest sense we have to the past and the act of remembering someone ensures that the deceased live on. They survive by mere memory and recollection. Darwin had it right the first time: Survival of the fittest, if not the fittest memory.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Taking Control
"You wait, little girl, on an empty stage, for fate to turn your light on."
For everyone who has ever seen "The Sound of Music," this phrase is from "Sixteen Going on Seventeen." Somehow, this implies that girls, women, or ladies are incapable of making things happen for them on their own. The rest of the song goes on to say that the girl needs a man/guy/significant other to help them on their path and journey in life. While it may be nice to have someone to do the heavy lifting, it isn't necessary to have someone of the male persuasion holding her hand the whole way. It's these mysoginistic undertones in songs we all know and love from eras of late that have, unfortunately, shaped current modern thinking regarding women in their own world. Have girls-turned-women of today forgotten how to think for themselves? Are women scared to go out into the world on their own, for fear of not being able to make it without a man?
I am of the opinion that mainstream culture has taught our generation's females to become dependent on men because men provide. Traditionally, men provided financial stability once a woman set out on her own, men provided a home, support, and occasionally, love. Our mothers were taught this, and while they tried to instill a feeling of independence in us, bless them, somehow, it didn't take as well as they'd hoped. Mothers of the baby boom generation lived through a huge Women's Lib movement, and wanted to continue that feeling and emotion in their daughters; namely, the girls of the MTV Generation. However, thanks to MTV and its subsidiaries, and countless dating shows, girls are still waiting for Mr. Right.
What is wrong with being on your own, living on your own, and being with Mr. Right now, if there absolutely has to be a man in the picture? I can't stress enough how liberating it can feel when a woman strikes out alone and is successful in her ventures, sans male. It's time women started taking control of their own lives, and began using their brains to live! Try it and you may see that the end result is that a) things get done faster and better, and b) you're happier. Ladies, it's okay to be single. It's okay to be on your own and independent. It's perfectly fine to have your own thoughts and opinions about varying topics. Frankly, it needs to be an everyday occurrence. Go ahead, break the "rules" that have been set forth by Lifetime movies, music videos, and romance novels. Women need to remember that FICTION IS NOT REALITY!
For everyone who has ever seen "The Sound of Music," this phrase is from "Sixteen Going on Seventeen." Somehow, this implies that girls, women, or ladies are incapable of making things happen for them on their own. The rest of the song goes on to say that the girl needs a man/guy/significant other to help them on their path and journey in life. While it may be nice to have someone to do the heavy lifting, it isn't necessary to have someone of the male persuasion holding her hand the whole way. It's these mysoginistic undertones in songs we all know and love from eras of late that have, unfortunately, shaped current modern thinking regarding women in their own world. Have girls-turned-women of today forgotten how to think for themselves? Are women scared to go out into the world on their own, for fear of not being able to make it without a man?
I am of the opinion that mainstream culture has taught our generation's females to become dependent on men because men provide. Traditionally, men provided financial stability once a woman set out on her own, men provided a home, support, and occasionally, love. Our mothers were taught this, and while they tried to instill a feeling of independence in us, bless them, somehow, it didn't take as well as they'd hoped. Mothers of the baby boom generation lived through a huge Women's Lib movement, and wanted to continue that feeling and emotion in their daughters; namely, the girls of the MTV Generation. However, thanks to MTV and its subsidiaries, and countless dating shows, girls are still waiting for Mr. Right.
What is wrong with being on your own, living on your own, and being with Mr. Right now, if there absolutely has to be a man in the picture? I can't stress enough how liberating it can feel when a woman strikes out alone and is successful in her ventures, sans male. It's time women started taking control of their own lives, and began using their brains to live! Try it and you may see that the end result is that a) things get done faster and better, and b) you're happier. Ladies, it's okay to be single. It's okay to be on your own and independent. It's perfectly fine to have your own thoughts and opinions about varying topics. Frankly, it needs to be an everyday occurrence. Go ahead, break the "rules" that have been set forth by Lifetime movies, music videos, and romance novels. Women need to remember that FICTION IS NOT REALITY!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Delightfully De-Lovely
There are two sides to every story.
My story could, perhaps, surpass such ideology.
I've lived a complicated life, thus far, what with my chosen separation from mainstream Johnson City culture. I reject all things orange and University of Tennessee-related. I'd rather eat dirt than go to a Titans game, and hilbillies make me sick.
Thankfully, my liberation from such a dwelling has allowed me to broaden my already wide thought process and accept what is true to be true.
There is a certain beauty to be found in the world outside of the one in which one grows up. A kind of wide-eyed wonder that can make the typical day of small-town Americana seem dismal and uneventful, which, undoubtedly, it already is. It just took a little excursion outside of the setting for one to realize it.
In the event of such an escape from middle-class-white-suburban-Americana one should expect to experience a delightful uplifting of spirits and an elimination of hazy and presupposed ideals.
I have, thankfully experienced such an liberation from my small town.
It's lovely out here in the world.
My story could, perhaps, surpass such ideology.
I've lived a complicated life, thus far, what with my chosen separation from mainstream Johnson City culture. I reject all things orange and University of Tennessee-related. I'd rather eat dirt than go to a Titans game, and hilbillies make me sick.
Thankfully, my liberation from such a dwelling has allowed me to broaden my already wide thought process and accept what is true to be true.
There is a certain beauty to be found in the world outside of the one in which one grows up. A kind of wide-eyed wonder that can make the typical day of small-town Americana seem dismal and uneventful, which, undoubtedly, it already is. It just took a little excursion outside of the setting for one to realize it.
In the event of such an escape from middle-class-white-suburban-Americana one should expect to experience a delightful uplifting of spirits and an elimination of hazy and presupposed ideals.
I have, thankfully experienced such an liberation from my small town.
It's lovely out here in the world.
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