The Ties That Bind

I can't pretend that I'm not extraordinarily close to my external family members. The closest I can come to saying that is in regards to my eccentric uncle in New Mexico. For some reason, I feel closest to him. Maybe it's because he, like me, moved far away from his immediate family to create his own life, and I'm essentially following suit. Aunts and Uncles from both sides of my family almost always seem like strangers to me. Every time I see them, be it holidays or funerals, I learn who they are all over again. I ask my parents "now, which one of your sisters/brother is the crazy one?" "Who got divorced/remarried/arrested recently?" It drives me insane. How is it that people have the capability to be so close to their cousins? Majority of the people I work with are always talking about how they hang out with their cousins...raise their cousins kids....celebrate things with cousins... I don't get it. I grew up seeing my external family maaaaybe twice a year. 3 times if there was a funeral. Sick, yes, but that's how we rolled. I'm not close to them. I'm not close to majority of my family really, save for the 4 Radford I share DNA with..How do you do it? I don't even have anyone's number. Family? Define it. Is it genetic or social? Cheers, Ennui

My Vagina, My Rules

Dear Representatives of the American People, A word, if you will:

You sit oh so proudly in your house surrounded by others of like mind and bandy about ideas on how the people, society, should act and conduct itself. You are protected by voters and campaign funds, thinking only of your personal agenda. Lately there has been much talk about federally governing the distribution of birth control, ending the availability of abortions, and thusly forcing women in some states to undergo a PROBING to get an abortion, even in cases of rape or incest. It's appalling to think that one day, potentially in this year, an election year, my rights and rights of choice can be snatched away. I don't want to think what will happen to future generations of women if this restriction and wanton control of individuals is allowed to continue. There are men like Gingrich, Santorum, and Romney walking this earth claiming they know what's right for Women because they say so. I disagree. I asked my vagina what she thinks, because I've been hanging with her for 22 years now, and I want to know her opinion on how we run. This is what she wanted me to tell you, America:

Stay the fuck out of me. You've never met me. You don't know what I want and what I need. I've never wanted to be raped, but the idea of you "Representatives" wanting to strip me of my rights and right of choice sure fucking feels like I'm being raped.

So stay the fuck out of my business, get out of my tubes, and let me be. You may be feeling threatened because I want to abort the potential next president of the US; but if that potential president thinks like you, then he or she deserves to die. You don't control me.

I'm Spending My Saturday Night Soaking in Absolut

Why? The simple answer to the question reacting to the statement above is because I have too much to think about regarding my life. So I'm drinking about it and writing about it, consequently.

I'm 22 years old. I live in Chicago, the greatest city in the world. I'm single. Open to options from either side. Willing to try new things. Some people say I'm nice. So why am I spending my Saturday night sitting in the dark and drinking? Truth be told I have no real friends here that would want to hang out with me. Say it now, "poor Patsy. She has no friends so she's throwing a drunken pity party for herself." And in a way, I am. I live on the south side of Chicago, not near close enough to public transportation to go anywhere cheaply, and if I do drive, its not exactly as if I can have a drunkenly good time because I eventually have to get back home, alive. And nobody wants to come to me "because its so far away." sorry, kids, it takes the same amount of time to get up north to you that it would to get down here. I'm tired of excuses. Excuses make your friends lonely. Lonely is real and it sucks. So I think about all the places that I could improve but the only things I can come up with are excuses for myself and that makes me hate me even more, so the cycle perpetuates. Something is wrong. very wrong, and I need to figure out how to fix it.

My exes aren't speaking to me, for reasons I'm aware of. We're all scared of each other. I'm afraid of getting too close to one because I know that she's really not for me anymore because she's trying to be someone she used to be. The other is afraid of me because I could have been someone she's been looking for and finally found, so what next? I'm afraid of her because she was the next person who I fell for and I knew I was going to get hurt. Because of them, I'm afraid of trying something new with someone else who I actually like, because she isn't either one of the exes. I'm having to try her out cold and get used to her. I might just need her as a friend.
The only social life I have to speak of is when I'm working on a show because then I'm at least spending time away from my apartment with other people. For a brief period of time, I have some semblance of a social life and I'm happy. Logically, it can be concluded that I'm only happy working on a show; this is not untrue. It's very very poignant. When the show is over everyone leaves the fog of togetherness, and it all ends and the world comes crumbling down.
So the next logical step is to keep doing theatre. Well that sounds all well and good doesn't it when you have shows lined up that magically work with your amazingly free schedule! Sorry, kid. My schedule fluxuates too much to have another show. So I feel like I'm stuck in this cyclical hellhole of feeling sorry for myself for not being happy but I won't be happy til I do another show but I can't do another show until I'm out of this job next year. So what the FUCK am I supposed to do now?

How am I supposed to break this endless chain/cycle of feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I don't have a way out? I lost the people I felt like I could really talk to because even my immediate family has no time for me. It't nice to know that the people you're supposed to be able to count on have abandoned you. Yeah, I'm the one that moved away, but its hard talking to my own family about things in my life.

I think I am about to write...

I am thinking
I am not writing
I need to be writing what I am thinking
I should be inspired
I am not inspired
I am not inspired to do anything
-at work, at home, at life-
I want to be writing
I want to be writing the way I used to
I am thinking too much about what's happened to me
I am obsessed with thinking and not talking
-Talking gets in the way of thinking and I think too fast for me to talk-
-Talking really fast is how I get it out and there isn't a comma to separate my thoughts from the others ones-
-Punctuation gets in the way sometimes-
I am remembering what used to inspire me
-And it doesn't inspire me anymore. It's trite and I don't like it.-
Should I be worried about this crack in my wall?
Will my house of cards come crumbling down around me?
I want to make art that means something. Something I can be proud of.
Art doesn't happen anymore the way it used to for me.
Where did the Art go? Where is the warmth in art?
Warm. Hot. Cold. Chilly.
When it gets chilly, will I be cold and alone?
Nobody there to keep me warm?
"Behind that cheeky, cheeky smile was a sad, sad man..."
Why do I consider the past?
I am considering my past the way one should consider the lobster.
I am a mess.
I am prone to lashing out at what upsets me.
I am upset. I will lash out.
My dreams bother me.
My dream last night was more real than they've been in years.
I felt warmth in the comfort of arms in my dream.
My best friend's arms.
I could use a hug from those arms. But they're miles and miles away.
I am sad; as if you couldn't tell.

What's Your Favorite Scary Movie?

I first fell in love with the "Scream" saga after watching the first one on cable because I was too young to see it in the theaters. The following two were just as fulfilling of my slasher-flick bloodlust when I got to see them. Let it be known that I LOVE THE SCREAM MOVIES. The classic motifs, the triumph of those who know the rules and the recurring characters of Sydney, Dewey, and Gail. These are my generation's horror flicks, and they have everything you could ever want in a series.
*Note: "Saw" and its subsequent sequels are NOT horror movies or slasher flicks. They are, rightfully quoted, "Torture Porn." I have never seen them, and I don't plan on it in my lifetime.

So when I heard that Scre4m was coming out, I almost passed out with joy over the return of my favorite victims and storylines, despite some worry about Wes Craven (director) messing up what was already so perfect. Remember: Don't fuck with the original. We're going back to Woodsboro: Ghostface is killing, Sydney will inevitably be returning as a "stronger person," Dewey and Gail will appear as a married couple (because you saw the proposal at the end of Scream 3, too!) and there will be a whole new set of rules. There's a reason Ghostface is coming back at the same time Sydney returns to Woodsboro to promote her book on the ANNIVERSARY OF THE ORIGINAL MURDERS! When we see this at the top of the movie, we know that there is going to be a connection between this set of murders and the first set. A whole new batch of high-school kids who love the "Stab" series based on Sydney's life, movie buffs, the creepy boyfriend (A.K.A. Billy Loomis) and we have the inevitable Sydney character in Jill, whom we find out to be Sydney's Cousin. Sydney is back, Ghostface is back, so its obvious that the killer, whomever he/she/they may be, is gonna be after both of them. My bloodlust had returned.

New Century. New Movie. New Rules. New Killer.

I will NOT reveal anything else about the movie... yet. Maybe when the movie's been out for a month, I'll drop a few spoiler alerts. I will beg each and every one of you to go see it and satisfy your thirst for the Woodsboro murders. It's worth it, I promise, and you will not be disappointed.


Cheers,
Ennui, who has a renewed faith in the life of the Slasher-Flick.

After a hiatus...

...A hiatus from writing about my life, or life in general, as prompted me to begin again. Not necessarily anew, per se, but begin again a la sprints or swimming laps or what have you. Anyway here goes nothing... I think.

Been thinking a lot. More than usual, I should mention, due to the fact that I've had a recent exposure to what is commonly referred to as a rejection. That's right folks I got rejected. Twice in one week. The first was by someone I wasn't particularly wholeheartedly interested in, but rather wanted to befriend and move forward with. The second was by someone I had met and made a move on and was promptly denied the next day. Now, as someone who has, albeit, been absent from "The Game" I found these two instances rather jarring, and it's gotten me thinking about, what else, game. Who has it? How long do you have it? Do you rent it, or own it? Does your game expire after x-many months of not using it? My answer to the last question is, maybe it does. Its been a damn long time since I've had to use what game I had on anyone, and I felt really out of practice and uncomfortable. The phrase "step up your game" really was applicable in my situation(s). What did I do wrong? Why in the hell wasn't I in control of anything?

I'm not saying that everyone should be running game on everyone else, but what I am saying is that its highly likely my game needs a workout and these two opportunities were the warm-up. So where is the real challenge? Is running game applicable to anything in the world? Because if that's the case then I've been in practice for as long as I've had it. But if it's not the case, then where did it go when I needed it most? I used to get so excited from the thrill of a new player in my game because it was the prospect of a new project, something to focus my extra energy upon; and now I have all this energy and nobody to use it on or share it with! Which brings me to my next point:

To Run Game, or To Be Alone? Since I've been in Chicago, I've had Zero (0) new, shall I say, encounters and it has made me consider what I really want. Selfishly, a fling with one or two someones wouldn't be that bad-or so my head says. My heart, granted a jaded and relatively brand new heart, suggests that I find someone to be a companion. I've spent many a night believing that I am forever truly alone and am never meant to be with just one person; that my future is sure to be littered with hearts that I vaguely considered to be worthy. For those that know me, that's enough. It's who I am, and who I have been for years and ultimately, who I have shaped myself to be. So now what? I'm taking suggestions. Frankly, what I don't want to hear is that "I'll meet someone who will sweep me off my feet," or "just go out and meet people like you're good at," or, my personal favorite: "when the right person comes along, you'll know." All of those diatribes can go straight back to where they came from. I'm not an idealist, I'm a thinker and a realist and someone who lives in the real world; not a Disney-molded fairy tale. I don't want a Disney ending, but I would sure as hell like to know where I'm gonna end up and whether or not someone is going to be there laughing at the expense of others with me. Because I'd like to go ahead and prepare myself.

I leave it to the fates to decide. Funny how a realist leaves her future to the fates; the irony is not lost on me.

cheers,
Ennui

Chicago brings insight....

things i would rather be doing in Chicago right now instead of sitting at home:

-Being in rehearsal.
-Seeing a show.
-Sitting at a bar with friends.
-riding a bike around town


but what I really want to be doing is running a rehearsal. Its strange how I'm feeling this way after so many months of being out of the theatre, that all I want to do now is go back. Its what I know and its what I'm so comfortable doing. I can be confident in those decisions that I make. I don't question what I'm doing because it comes naturally to me after 4 years of constant training. From day one of meetings to strike, I know the exact cycle and process, and for some reason, I'm just not getting that right now. I sit at a desk for 8.5 hours a day, and I still don't know what is supposed to happen everyday. There is no room for error or screwups here. It's a little stifling. No real room for creativity.

It's difficult for me to say that I'm unhappy, because I feel that would make me sound ungrateful for the opportunity that was offered to me. I'm not ungrateful. This job has brought me to Chicago; the town that I wanted ultimately get to. But I'm here now, doing something that my life shouldn't have written in it. Someone else took the red editing pen to my life story and wrote this in. How should I, the writer of my own life, feel about this unwanted change, this inky red mark on my life story?

Very easily, one could tell me to get out, go walk around, go explore your city. Really? Me, explore this city alone? "Go to a bar like you used to. You used to go by yourself all the time," they could say. Yeah, but that's because I always knew someone would meet me there. I don't know anyone here, until Sager gets here next week, at least. I can't maintain a professional attitude at work if I go out with my coworkers or develop an outside-the-workplace friendship with my employees; not like they would do at LSU. I don't have a sport to play recreationally; I'm not dedicated (though I love playing it) enough to softball to go out and play with a team. I'm tired of seeing movies, of being inundated with fun things to do, of the barrage of images thrown at me when I have no access to them. I'm essentially a writer, an observer, a thinker. I do all of the above too much in my everyday to not get melancholy when I have nothing to write, think, or observe except what I do everyday. The mundane in its own beauty is meaningless today. Why am I unmotivated to do anything? Where has my sense of adventure gone? On its own adventure, perhaps? I do not want to be buried in my cocoon of an apartment waiting for someone to get home and be jealous of an experience they just had. Can someone send me motivation overnight, please?